Hide and Seek

As a kid, I never much enjoyed playing Hide-'n-go-Seek. The way I saw it, it was terrifying and humiliating no matter what role I ended up playing.

There's the Seeker, who counts to ten and then looks for everyone. The Seeker has to walk around alone looking for other kids. I always had this nagging worry in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be able to find anyone, thereby ending up humiliated and alone. Or worse, that the other kids had all abandoned me, leaving me to look for people that simply weren't there while they all went off to play somewhere else.

And when you're not seeking, you're a Hider. Hiders are simply supposed to hide as best they can and wait to be found. Being a hider was, for me, just as bad as being the Seeker. Finding the right hiding place was a serious business. I never wanted to be found first because that meant my hiding spot was lame, but I also never wanted to be found last. Last meant sitting alone the longest, unable to do anything to change my situation. Last meant having a tiny, irrational moment of terror, contemplating the consequences of never being found and remaining hidden forever. Last meant people were impatient with finding you, prone to giving up.

No matter what I did, I was charged with isolation, told that I could either be seeking or sought but never both.

As I grew up, I began to realize how precarious the balance of the Seekers to the Sought really was. In middle school, I had trouble making friends, and was told that the less available I made myself, the more people would want to be with me. High school brought the same advice, but in relation to boys. This is what I heard: 

Be yourself, but if being yourself means being straightforward and assertive, expect to die alone, because people like to seek. They like the game. They like to feel like they're winning. And if you make it too easy for someone to find you, you're lame.  

But don't play too hard to get. No one likes a tease. Be complicated until the other person gets bored. Surprise! You were winning all along.

Honestly, I have no patience for games. I don't like the "pretend you're busy" nuances of new friendships or the "keep him guessing" culture of dating. When someone likes me, as a friend or otherwise, I appreciate them letting me know. You don't have to be clingy about it. Embrace the awkward.

I don't enjoy feeling like I have to hide in just the right place and wait to be found. And I don't like this mentality of hiding or seeking. It's hiding, because we're all a little hidden inherently, with our flaws and secrets, while seeking, because no one has to ever be alone.

It's realizing that Sardines is maybe the better game, because, after all, we're all playing the game of life as a team, learning that hiding and seeking should always end with everyone smiling because no one is ever alone.

Happy Saturday!

x,
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